Humour:
last updated: 4/3/98

From Dice:

From Lemur: From Trev: From Mig Eater: From Boa: From Paradog:

BBC INTERVIEWS AN RAF PILOT...

To mark the anniversary of the Battle of Britain in 1940, the BBC Radio 4 organised a week-long series of live interviews in which each day a Royal Air Force veteran would relate to the nation his memories from the aerial combat.

Part of one interview with a former Spitfire pilot went as follows..

RAF pilot: "....and then as I came out of the turn I looked back and saw a fokker on my left, a fokker on my right and a fokker right behind and so.."

BBC Interviewer: "(cough).. Ladies and Gentlemen you will of course recall that a 'Fokker' was a fighter aircraft produced in the Netherlands and used by the Nazi Luftwaffe following the German occupation of that country in May 1940"

RAF pilot: "yeah, but these f*ckers were Messerschmitts"


TREV's BAR STORY

Thats a little bar just round the corner from here.I'm told they have just taken on a cute little mustang with the biggest set of flaps you've ever seen and a perfect set of landing gear.The view on her 6 is supposed to be tremendous and all the guys are trying to get under her cowling.She's said to have an intake that is a sight to behold and once you have turned her on she throbs delightfuly.Rumour has it though that she can be very rough on the joystick and many guys have had to bail before losing total control.Apparently if you have good hands and finesse she will do just about anything.

I keep meaning to go and have a look but-I Prefer Spits

©1997 Trevor Godderidge aka "Duster"


YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT IF

Your stall horn plays Dixie.
Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
You've thought of using moonshine as avgas.
You've used moonshine instead of avgas
You have Mack mud flaps behind your main wheels
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
You've taxied around the airport drinking beer.
You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman "Yankee".
You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
You refer to flying in formation as "We've got us a convoy".
You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.
You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass and wheat from the landing gear.
You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years.
You've ground looped a Cub after hitting a cow.
You consider anything above 100 feet AGL as "High Altitude".
There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
You answer all calls from female controllers with "That's a big ten-four."
There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tabacco stains on the left.
You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.
You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
The tread pattern on your main gear tires doesn't match.
Your best com radio has 40 channels.
You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
The floor of your aircraft is covered with hay.
There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
The spitoon is wedged between the rudder pedals
You think ZULU time means something to do with Africa.
Your airplane has a sticker that says, "I'd rather be flying".
You navigate with your ADF tuned to country music stations.
You think "Ultralite" is a new beer from Budweiser.
Just before impact, you are heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"


SQUAWK SHEETS

From actual military "squawk sheets".  (Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.)

Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution:  "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution:  "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1:  "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Solution #2:  "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem:  "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off:  "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.


The AVIATION GLOSSARY
 

REAL PILOT QUOTES
 

SHORT FINAL

We can't take credit for coming up with this one. It is excerpted from "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II" by Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):

[One] enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots.  The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.  The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank.  And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.


The PIRATE CHA-CHA

PUKE-O-RAMA

[Boa's note: keep in mind, this is a TRUE story <ggg>]

   Was on a day jump today and talk about a nightmare. We had 120 jumpers on a C141 and when we got on the plane we knew we were in BIG TROUBLE the A/C was malfunctioning and in full parachute rig with weapons and equipment a C141 is a giant sweat box and it was so hot everyone was drenched in sweat...and then the fun began<g>

   We took off and had like an hour to fly around before TOT=Time on Target so the pilot was flying his usual nap of the earth route and the dips and curves of the land combined with the heat combined with the most turbulence I have ever personally encountered in a C141= Alot of green faces..anyway there was a female paratrooper sitting inboard across from me and she was sweating profusely.

   Normally when paratroopers get on a plane we all take off our Kevlars(helmets) and go to sleep(theres nothing to look at inside a military aircraft) until the 20 minute warning is given. Anyway the twenty minute warning was given and everyone started putting on their Kevlars and checking their equipment everyone except for this poor girl. She just started sweating more and the jumpmasters noticed her immediately.

   Anyway they tried to talk to her and told her it was OK and to just get it all out so she took their advice and immediately began puking into an air sickness bag and when she filled up tht bag she began filling up another and then the  Army Captain tht was sitting to my right began puking in his airsickness bag and before you know it white bags where being passed all over the place and people were puking left and right and the whole freaking plane started smelling like puke and more people puked from the smell hehe suffice it to say it was a Puke O Rama.

   Anyway we eventually got hooked up and were fixing to jump and I was looking around and everyone was protecting their reserves ripcord grips with their right hands and toting little white bags full of vomit with their lefts(unfortunately we gotta take the puke with us..good thing I didn't puke<g>) well they scratched the jump in the air 1 minute before we were going to jump due to high winds(high winds and parachutes don't go together very well) and we immediately landed thank god but we unfortunately had like 5 people go to the hospital for heat exhaustion and dehydration(they were all OK).

  Anyway I guess their is an AW moral to this story for you gooney drivers out there. Careful how you drive those gooneys or you too could have your very own Puke O Rama. If you fly really close to the paratroops you may be able to see the little white bags of puke in their left hands<g>

©1997 Erik Hastings aka "Paradog"


NEW ALTITUDE RECORD

Lemur writes:

Lemur's High Altitude record
©1997 John Offengartz aka "Lemur"
OPERATION FIELD TRIP  
©1998 Marvin Biloff aka "Dice"