To mark the anniversary of the Battle of Britain in 1940, the BBC Radio 4 organised a week-long series of live interviews in which each day a Royal Air Force veteran would relate to the nation his memories from the aerial combat.
Part of one interview with a former Spitfire pilot went as follows..
RAF pilot: "....and then as I came out of the turn I looked back and saw a fokker on my left, a fokker on my right and a fokker right behind and so.."
BBC Interviewer: "(cough).. Ladies and Gentlemen you will of course recall that a 'Fokker' was a fighter aircraft produced in the Netherlands and used by the Nazi Luftwaffe following the German occupation of that country in May 1940"
RAF pilot: "yeah, but these f*ckers were Messerschmitts"
Thats a little bar just round the corner from here.I'm told they have just taken on a cute little mustang with the biggest set of flaps you've ever seen and a perfect set of landing gear.The view on her 6 is supposed to be tremendous and all the guys are trying to get under her cowling.She's said to have an intake that is a sight to behold and once you have turned her on she throbs delightfuly.Rumour has it though that she can be very rough on the joystick and many guys have had to bail before losing total control.Apparently if you have good hands and finesse she will do just about anything.
I keep meaning to go and have a look but-I Prefer Spits
©1997 Trevor Godderidge aka "Duster"
Your stall horn plays Dixie.
Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
You've thought of using moonshine as avgas.
You've used moonshine instead of avgas
You have Mack mud flaps behind your main wheels
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
You've taxied around the airport drinking beer.
You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman "Yankee".
You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
You refer to flying in formation as "We've got us a convoy".
You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.
You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass and wheat from the landing gear.
You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years.
You've ground looped a Cub after hitting a cow.
You consider anything above 100 feet AGL as "High Altitude".
There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
You answer all calls from female controllers with "That's a big ten-four."
There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tabacco stains on the left.
You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.
You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
The tread pattern on your main gear tires doesn't match.
Your best com radio has 40 channels.
You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
The floor of your aircraft is covered with hay.
There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
The spitoon is wedged between the rudder pedals
You think ZULU time means something to do with Africa.
Your airplane has a sticker that says, "I'd rather be flying".
You navigate with your ADF tuned to country music stations.
You think "Ultralite" is a new beer from Budweiser.
Just before impact, you are heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
From actual military "squawk sheets". (Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.)
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Solution #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces
a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Airspeed - Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
Angle of Attack - Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arresting Gear - A Policeman's equipment.
Bank - The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
Barrel Roll - Sport enjoyed at squadron picnics, usually after the barrels are empty.
Carburetor Icing - A phenomenon happening to Aero club pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.
Cone of Confusion - An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach beacon at an airport.
Crab - The squadron Ops. Officer.
Dead Reckoning - You reckon correctly, or you are.
Engine Failure - A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Firewall - Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.
Glide Distance - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Hydroplane - An airplane designed to land on a wet runway, 20,000 feet long.
IFR - A method of flying by needle and ripcord.
Lean Mixture - Non-alcoholic beer.
Motor - Word used by student pilots and Yankees
referring to the engine.
Nanosecond - Time delay built into the stall warning system.
Parasitic Drag - A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.
Range - Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Rich Mixture - What you order at the other guy's promotion party.
Roger - Used when you're not sure what else to say.
Roll - The first design priority for a fully loaded KC-135A.
Service Ceiling - Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.
Spoilers - The Federal Aviation Administration.
Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.
Steep Bank - Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.
Tactics - What a clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Tail Wind - Results from eating beans, often causing Oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Turn & Bank Indicator - An instrument highly ignored by pilots.
Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight of cargo.
Up - A chant used by pilots taking off from Colorado Springs, who want to discover the meaning of life.
VOR - Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect of pilots trying to home in on it.
Windsocks - Socks that need darning.
Yankee - Any pilot that asks Houston tower to "Say again".
Zero - Style and artistry points earned for a gear-up landing.
We can't take credit for coming up with this one. It is excerpted from "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II" by Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):
[One] enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.
[Boa's note: keep in mind, this is a TRUE story <ggg>]
Was on a day jump today and talk about a nightmare. We had 120 jumpers on a C141 and when we got on the plane we knew we were in BIG TROUBLE the A/C was malfunctioning and in full parachute rig with weapons and equipment a C141 is a giant sweat box and it was so hot everyone was drenched in sweat...and then the fun began<g>
We took off and had like an hour to fly around before TOT=Time on Target so the pilot was flying his usual nap of the earth route and the dips and curves of the land combined with the heat combined with the most turbulence I have ever personally encountered in a C141= Alot of green faces..anyway there was a female paratrooper sitting inboard across from me and she was sweating profusely.
Normally when paratroopers get on a plane we all take off our Kevlars(helmets) and go to sleep(theres nothing to look at inside a military aircraft) until the 20 minute warning is given. Anyway the twenty minute warning was given and everyone started putting on their Kevlars and checking their equipment everyone except for this poor girl. She just started sweating more and the jumpmasters noticed her immediately.
Anyway they tried to talk to her and told her it was OK and to just get it all out so she took their advice and immediately began puking into an air sickness bag and when she filled up tht bag she began filling up another and then the Army Captain tht was sitting to my right began puking in his airsickness bag and before you know it white bags where being passed all over the place and people were puking left and right and the whole freaking plane started smelling like puke and more people puked from the smell hehe suffice it to say it was a Puke O Rama.
Anyway we eventually got hooked up and were fixing to jump and I was looking around and everyone was protecting their reserves ripcord grips with their right hands and toting little white bags full of vomit with their lefts(unfortunately we gotta take the puke with us..good thing I didn't puke<g>) well they scratched the jump in the air 1 minute before we were going to jump due to high winds(high winds and parachutes don't go together very well) and we immediately landed thank god but we unfortunately had like 5 people go to the hospital for heat exhaustion and dehydration(they were all OK).
Anyway I guess their is an AW moral to this story for you gooney drivers out there. Careful how you drive those gooneys or you too could have your very own Puke O Rama. If you fly really close to the paratroops you may be able to see the little white bags of puke in their left hands<g>
©1997 Erik Hastings aka "Paradog"
I'm not sure if my co-pilot was scared or just suffering from the low air pressure. (Kinda like in total recall. Ewww)"
After lunch and a short nap, Boa asked if we could take a field trip over to HardRock. So, never having been over there before I jumped in my plane, and went on my way. Well, we found out in route that Crimson had taken that area for their field trip/picnic, so, Boa asked if we would like to visit a ghost town. It was so exciting, I seen more fire works, but, I wasn't watching for my fellow cub scouts, and sHall got burned because I threw an M-80 at some more fuel tanks, that he was standing next to. I got a demerit from the Scout master. I was so upset I had to ACK.
So, I started on my field trip again, this time I went to a place called moggy. I heard there was some aliens there, and sure wanted to meet them. I was coming up to gee, so many of them that I got real excited. I just knew these aliens wanted to talk to me, might even come with me on my field trip. Well, these aliens were not friendly at all. Everything I tried to get next to them, they started to shoot at me. Now, I'm friendlyer then most, but I have my limits, so I had to shoot some down, how many, well, who cares, they tried to get my lunch pail I bet, that's what it was, and I wouldn't let them. So, I went and got more lunch meat, a different kind this time and went to Ass, a funny name for an alien town, but, who am I to knock their culture. While there, one of them aliens, was starting to talk to me, he name was Peru. He must have upset =A51=, cause =A51= killed his plane several times, I bet it was at least 5 times. Well, I was upset at Peru for getting my friend =A51= upset so I killed him just as he got his alien ship into the air. Well, Peru was upset at us now for sure let me tell you. Being the friendly type, I talked to him, and we danced a few times. His alien craft sure didn't like the lead ropes I was trying to hand him, tried to hand it to him 3 or so times, each time his alien craft just blew up. Well, I landed, I was so distraught at it all. I talked to Peru after that some and he wants to joiun us for our next field trip. Told him I was going on another one Tuesday nite, and hoped he would join me.
Well, I know my field trip isn't worth a merit badge, but, I sure had fun!
Dice, a real cub scout, lost, wandering through the void!